Stuck In The Past

So, it's almost 2 in the morning and I have to wake up for work in less than 4 hours but can't fall asleep any my brain won't shut up so since I haven't posted anything in quite a while it seemed like a good time to update my blog.

I don't know why but I have been thinking a ton about the past the last few weeks and about different people I used to know, jobs I had, choices I've made, etc.  I don't know why I've been thinking about the past so much but I can't seem to stop.  There must be some reason for it.  I just wish I knew what it was.

One thing that has been bothering me is how people change and grow apart.  I think this is what I have been stuck on the most.  I am not by any means popular and never have been.  In fact I have a hard time making friends and have very few people that I can actually call friends and even fewer that I see more than 3-4 times a year.  I don't even need a full hand to count how many good friends I have.  I do wish I had more friends but that isn't the issue here.  That is a topic for another day.

I hate how people grow apart.  What happens to change relationships so much that we can't even talk to a person that once meant so much to us?  I feel like we are missing out on great things because we let life get in the way of adventure, happiness, friendship, relationships, opportunities, etc. but it seems to be unavoidable and I hate it.

For example: My best friend from elementary and I don't talk anymore.  I wouldn't know how to get a hold of her if I wanted to (which I would be interested in doing).  We grew apart at some point in high school when she started dating someone new and hung out with different people and now I hear she is married and has kids.  I loved her as a friend so much and when I think about it I don't really know exactly why we ever stopped talking or hanging out.  Why did we think other things were more important than taking a few minutes every so often to say hi and catch up?  The sad thing is that now if I saw her somewhere I wouldn't know what to talk about because it has been years since we've talked and our lives are so different.  That is so sad.  I feel like I've thrown away a lot of time by letting that friendship essentially die.  What's worse is that this happens all the time.

I keep thinking about the boy I had a crush on when I was 16 and wonder what would have happened if we had ever gotten together and why didn't we ever get together.

And about the dumb decisions I made as a teenager and all the things I wish I could take back but will never be able to.

And about friends that moved away that I never heard from again.

And why did I stop writing.  I used to love writing poetry and short stories and I've always wanted to write a book but now I don't feel like I know how to write anymore and that my life isn't interesting enough to come up with things to write about.

What happened to all my old dreams and goals?  Why can I remember peoples names but not be able to picture their faces or remember what classes we had together or if we ever hung out?

I hated high school while I was there but I'm starting to look back and realize that being a teenager was pretty great.  When I was a teenager I lived life.  I made time to hang out with friends and do things I wanted and wasn't worried so much about life and money and work or any of the thing that consume my life now.

We (or at least I) need to get back to some of the free spirited nature that was there as a teenager.  I want to catch up with friends and go out and have fun and not worry about work and be stressed out about money.  I want to have fun and let lose and not be concerned about the consequences.

I used to be fun and I can't figure out how or when I stopped.  And what's worse is I can't figure out how to get back to being fun.  But I want to.  At least to some extent.

I feel like this post is all over the place.  Sorry.  It's the late night typing and the tired brain not making so much sense.  What I'm trying to get at is that we all need to take more time to enjoy what we have right now.  We need to make time for us and for the things we want to do and that are important to us but that we push aside to do things we feel like we have to do.  If you keep pushing things and people aside for work, school, etc it won't take very long until you realize how alone and unhappy life has become.  Take time to smile each and every day.  Tell those around you that you love and appreciate them frequently.  Take time to listen to the people you care about.  Make time to make yourself happy.  Or else you never will be.