The Story of Jon

As some of you now know, Jon and I are not together anymore.  A lot of people have asked me what happened and I haven't wanted to talk about it.  I've been having a hard time getting through it emotionally and thought maybe if I write it all out that will help me feel a little bit better and then I don't break down in front of people and nobody will have to ask me questions about it.  So here it is:

I met Jon ten years ago when we both worked at the zoo.  It didn't take me very long of knowing him to develop a crush on him and wish that I could date him but he dated someone else and then I dated someone else and I never thought I had a chance but always hoped that one day we would get together.  After a couple years Jon didn't work at the zoo anymore and we kinda went separate ways but every now and then we would cross paths and I still felt the same way about him.  I still was crazy about him and wanted to be with him.

About 5 years ago Jon came back into my life.  We started hanging out and eventually started dating.  I was so completely and totally happy and while the first couple of years of being together were a little rough we got through them and our relationship just got better and better and I fell more and more in love with him.  Everything about him was perfect.  He was just the right size to hold me.  He was the best kisser.  He made me feel beautiful and sexy and smart.  He accepted me. He made me laugh.  We could talk about anything.  I wanted to do anything and everything for him.  I was completely happy.  Blindly happy I suppose.

Last year for our anniversary, Jon took me to look at engagement rings.  We had talked about getting married and I thought that was the direction our relationship was going.  We eventually found a ring and bought it.  It was beautiful and perfect and just what I wanted and just who I wanted it from.  But holidays passed.  Great dates and days together passed and I never got my ring.  People recently had asked him why we weren't engaged and he said he just didn't know how to ask and then people convinced me that he was going to propose on our 5 year anniversary (August 16th).   I tried not to get excited or believe them because after all Christmas had come and gone without a ring, so had Valentines Day, so had my birthday, and about a years worth of other days but I was still hoping it would happen, even though deep down I think I knew it wouldn't.

On August 13th I went over to Jons.  We were going to leave the next morning for California on a trip with my family and I was taking him over things for the trip and to just hang out and cuddle and do our normal thing.  But I got there and instead he told me we were going to break up.  I just sat there in shock for about 20 minutes.  I couldn't believe it.  And then the waterworks hit.

Jon said he wasn't happy and hadn't been for some time.  And that it had been coming for a while but it got pushed over the edge because I had talked to an ex that week and the ex publicly praised me for some advice I gave him concerning his own relationship.  Jon never liked the ex because the ex hadn't respected our relationship for a long time and had tried to get me back for the first while that Jon and I were dating.  I stopped talking to him and cut him out of my life and can't even remember the last time I saw him.  But he messaged me that week because he was having problems with his current girlfriend.  A girl he was thinking about marrying and thought that since I had dated him I could give him some insight.  I stupidly thought enough time had passed that I could talk to him about it and it would be fine.

Now I hate myself for thinking that and doing that and would give anything in the world to take it back but I can't.  And honestly I don't know if that would have fixed my relationship with Jon but I think it would've given me more time with him.

There were more reasons.  Things like he didn't feel like the man in our relationship.  He felt like I was in control.  He didn't feel like I wanted him as much as he wanted me to.  He wants to be able to flirt with other people.  He doesn't want to feel judged for doing steroids because he wants to and he wants to be huge.  He wants to be able to hang out with girls without me getting jealous or wanting to know what's going on.  Stuff like that.

It's been almost 3 weeks now and I still can't talk about it without crying.  I cry every day.  I have no appetite.  I've been physically sick.  I just hurt everywhere and I don't know how to feel better.  This is the worst experience of my entire life.  That sounds dumb to say because he's just a boy.  I haven't died or lost a limb or anything but it really is the worst, most painful, most difficult experience I've ever had.

I'm trying to be his friend now because he's been my best friend, really my only friend, for years.  I feel like it is better to have him in my life as a friend than not at all but it is killing me.  Some days are fine.  But other days I don't know if it makes things worse.  It hurts to hear about him looking at other girls or wanting to hang out with other people or wanting to be with other people or seeing him and not being able to touch him.

There are so many things I can't understand.  Like, how could he have been so unhappy without me knowing?  And how could I be so sure that he is my soul mate when he obviously doesn't want to be with me?  And how can he not feel wanted enough when I want him more than anything.  More than I've ever wanted anything.

Everyone says it'll get easier with time.  I hope so.  So far that hasn't proven true.  So far I think it's been harder.  It becomes more and more real every day that I can't tell him I love him.  Or kiss him.  Or put my hand on his knee.  Or cuddle.  Or hold his hand.  Or anything that I want to do.  Every day I have to realize all over again that I'm not with him.  That he doesn't love me anymore.  That Forever & Ever & Always (our special little saying) doesn't really mean forever....  That forever is already over.

Jon says he understands that I'm upset because that was 5 years of my life.  But he doesn't understand that it was/is so much more than that.  I've loved him for 10 years.  I've loved him since the day I met him.  And I had plans for our future and our lives together.  It wasn't 5 years.  It was my life.  I was planning to spend the rest of my life with him.  And now I have to learn how to be without him.  I have to change all my dreams I had of all the things I wanted to do with him and the life I thought we would have.

I wish I could hate him for the way I feel now but I don't.  I just want him to be happy.  I would give anything to hate him.  If I did maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.  Or maybe I would stop hoping that he'll realize I am incredible and I love him more than anyone else will ever be able to.  And that I support him more than anyone else will ever be able to.  And I know him better than anyone else.  And that we were perfect together.  I dream that he'll realize this and come back with some elaborate apology but with every day that passes and it doesn't happen,  I realize it never will.

I don't know who I am without him.  I feel completely empty and alone.  But I still just want him to be happy.