So I've now been single for over a month and I think I am over the worst of it (for now... I'll explain why just for now later). I don't cry every day anymore and am not physically sick and I have my appetite again. Things are going pretty well. That being said there are still rough days like when I'm watching Desperate Housewives (one of my guilty pleasures) and Carlos is telling Gabby how he first knew he was going to marry her and I remember Jon telling me when he first knew he was in love with me. Weird things like that make me still have rough days but things are much better than when I last posted. I think what got me through the worst was going to the gym. I've never been too committed to going to the gym before but I've had a lot of free time lately (I was down to one part time job and no school and no social life) so I actually had time to go and I went because I really felt like I needed something positive and productive in my life right now and I wanted/needed the endorphins :) It is amazing the difference that has made. When I was feeling completely awful about myself and couldn't stop crying or thinking about how unhappy I was I would go to the gym and workout and when I left I wouldn't be crying anymore and could make it through the rest of the day (and I've lost 10lbs so far from working out!). And I have awesome friends that have been there for me to listen to me talk about things over and over and over again. My BFF in Portland even sent me a cute Build A Bear to help cheer me up :) The gym and great friends have really made the difference.
Now to explain the "for now" part of the above recovery. While Jon and I aren't a couple anymore we still are hanging out and are affectionate. We both still love each other and are a big part of each others lives so we are continuing on as very close friends. Neither of us is seeing anyone else (Jon says he's not interested in seeing anyone else and I am not emotionally ready to see anyone else). This is where I am worried about the "for now" part. We are both open and honest about what's going on and neither of us is sure what will happen in the future but I of course am still hoping he'll come around and realize he can't live without me. For now I am happy with what we currently have and am grateful to still have him in my life but I don't know how long I will be so happy to be more than friends but less than a couple with the person I love. I think/know eventually one of us is going to have to make a decision either way about how our relationship (or lack of relationship) will continue and I am sure that if we part ways permanently I will once again be devastated. At least now I know how to cope with that a little better. LOL. But seriously I am terrified of feeling how I did again. For the time being I am just trying to enjoy the now and appreciate what I have. I can't let myself worry too much about what could happen in the future or I will miss out on what good there is now.
In other news, I started a new job today. I am doing order filling for a paper products/office supply company. I was there all day today and the day flew by. I am excited. I think I'll really enjoy it. It is going to be hard work and I'm still getting used to everything but I think it's going to be really good for me. I've been really unhappy at Banana Republic the last several months so this will take off some of the stress of that. For now I'm going to try to stay on at Banana and hopefully only work 1-2 shifts a week (hopefully!) because I do like a lot of the people there and the discount but we'll see what happens and how juggling 2 jobs goes. I may end up quitting if they don't work with me and schedule me a lot less or don't have me doing what I'm supposed to be.
I hiked Mt. Timpanogos with my 70+ year old Grandpa last week. He had never been before and I haven't been since I was little so we made a day of it and I think we had a nice time. I am so grateful that my Grandpa is so spunky and healthy as he is. He is in better shape than I am and he means the world to me so it's really nice that he's healthy and active enough to enjoy life and do things like that. He is amazing.
Well, that's really about all that's going on with me right now. Not too exciting but things are starting to turn around so it's good. I'm feeling pretty good about things. Just taking it day by day. :)
Thank you for all the love and support the last while. It really has meant a lot to me and helped a ton. I felt completely lost and alone and so many people took time to reach out to me and show me love and it really helped to know that people care about me. And I was really surprised at some of the people that sent me emails or called. Some people I thought could care less about me reached out and that touched me. It's nice to know we're never alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment