I am sure whoever reads my blog is sick of me talking about Jon, how sad I am, our divorce, etc. However, I have so many emotions pent up inside of me that I need to get out and not a lot of people I can talk to about them so this is my outlet. If you don't want to read it, don't read the blog. I'm sorry that I keep talking about the same things but this is my life right now. This is the biggest event to happen in my life and the most difficult situation I've ever been in and I don't know how to move on yet.
I've been flooded with memories the couple weeks.
I think about the day Jon and I met, in the old warehouse at the zoo and how I knew that day that he was incredible and that I wanted to know him.
I think about walking in the dark at the zoo with him at a summer employee party and what we talked about.
I think about when he would come visit me at my house, as teenagers, and we would make candy, play with Sadie and "Cobblestone" (AKA Abbie).
I remember the day he walked into Sur La Table with Marshall and came back into my life and how excited I was to see him. He looked amazing and I was so happy to see him, talk to him, be in contact with him, etc.
I remember lunch at Chili's the first time we hung out after he showed up at Sur La Table and how that became our place for a while. Whenever we would go out for quite a while, that was pretty much guaranteed to be where we'd go.
I remember the horrible date I went on that I believe ultimately pushed me right into Jon's arms and right where I had always wanted to be.
I remember the promise ring he gave me for my birthday early in our relationship and his promise to always love me. I loved that ring. I loved that man. I loved the sentiment he shared with me when he gave it to me.
I think about his proposal and how special I felt that day. How cute Jon was for the week before and how excited and happy he seemed.
I remember seeing Jon at the alter at our wedding looking at me. That was the most incredible moment of my life. I'm lucky enough to have a picture of that to remind me how special that day was. Jon looked so excited. I've never seen that look on his face before. It was incredible to see the anticipation on his face and to know I was walking toward my future and my dreams. I was so excited to be marrying my best friend and to know we had a lifetime of love ahead of us.
I remember years of memories. Time spent with family. Time spent going out. Time spent cuddling. Time alone in Jons various apartments. Vacations together. Playing in the park. Dates. Movies. Opera. Birthdays. Holidays. Special outings like going to Spencers. Playing in the band. Skydiving. Slow dancing. Jon lifting me with just my hands in his hands. Going to the gym (when I finally got motivated to go) and how proud he would be when I would do well - that was the greatest feeling in the world. Jons smile when he was really, genuinely happy. His sense of humor. How I fit perfectly in his arms. The spot on his chest that cradles my head as if it were made for it. The little dip at the bottom of his neck that I love to kiss. Holding his face in my hands. Looking into his beautiful eyes.
I have over a decades worth of memories that mean the world to me but I feel like they aren't relevant anymore. I know that memories are important and that it is good to be able to look back and remember all the good times we've had but knowing there is no future with Jon, it takes some of the special away from the past. That sounds terrible to say but it does. All my memories were made with the hope and the thought that we were forever. Now seeing that we aren't, I feel like I've fooled myself for all this time. I built my life around a false future. A false hope of what my life was going to be. I had all these dreams of what our future was going to bring. Adventures we were going to go on. Places we would live. Things we would do together. I feel so stupid for believing so strongly in something that isn't real. I feel more stupid that I can't move past it. I hurt every single day. I cry most days. I used to be able to hold it in but I can't anymore. I have to hide in the bathroom at work on a regular basis because I'm crying. I have to be medicated to get through every day. I'm sick of taking pills but I need them to sleep and to not feel so desperate and hopeless all the time. I feel like I have to be medicated just to make it through the day and I hate that feeling.
I have so many fears for the future. I'm so scared of never feeling the same again. I'm scared I'll always be alone. I'm scared I'll never share the connection I share with Jon with anyone else ever again. I'm scared to lose my best friend. I'm scared to never trust anyone again. I'm scared to never be accepted so purely as Jon accepted me, without any judgements ever. I'm scared to never know someone as well as I know him. I truly believe that Jon is my soul mate and I'm terrified I'll never have love like this again. I can't imagine every feeling the way I do about Jon about anyone else. I hope I won't spend the rest of my life alone but I don't see ever having the connection and love we had with anyone else. Ours grew over a decade. We essentially grew up together. I will never do that with anyone else again.
To get through, I've been trying to keep myself busy with projects which is good but I can't find anything to fill the void that lives inside of me. I feel like a shell of a person. I have this emptiness inside of me. I feel so alone. I feel rejected. I feel lost. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless.
Jon wasn't my life. I still have friends. I still have family. I still have my job, a place to live, hobbies, etc. But Jon was the light in my life. I could have a terrible day and he could make all my pain and sadness go away. Jon could make me smile always. He made me feel special. He made me feel beautiful. My favorite time of day was when I would be driving home from work and would turn the corner to our street and see his car. I was so excited to see him and be home with him. I adored him. I loved him completely. I wanted to be perfect for him. I wanted to do everything for him and to make him feel as wonderful as I know he is and as special as he made me feel. But I failed. It's the worst feeling in the world to have failed the person I care about the most. I would give anything to make things better but I can't and that may be one of the hardest realizations yet.
I miss my inlaws and I think about them all the time. I miss being a part of their life and sharing milestones with them. Jons nephew just turned 1 and I wasn't there. I saw him at the hospital when he was born, but I don't get to see him grow up. I don't get to talk to my Mother-in-Law anymore. I don't talk to Jons siblings. I am not invited to family outtings anymore. They have all been such a big part of my life so long that they really are my family too and it's so hard to not have them anymore or be able to share life with them anymore.
I miss my husband. Every minute of every day. I miss Jon. I miss him so much.
Jon is a beautiful man. He is the most charismatic, fun, intelligent, caring, outgoing, sexy, person I have ever met. I have been so lucky to be with him. Noone will ever be able to compare to him in any way. Physically he is perfect. His personality is out of this world. He is the whole package.
I hurt all the time but I hold no ill feelings toward Jon. I know where I am at now is my fault. I take responsibilty for myself and the choices and mistakes I have made. But because of that I have the most intense pain I have ever experienced and I don't know how to get past it. I keep hoping time will take some of the pain away but it doesn't. I just want to feel something different. I am sick of the emptiness and the hurt that consumes me. I long for the day that I feel something else.
Despite the pain I feel, I am not at risk to myself. I am seeing a counselor who is trying to help me through this difficult time and I challenge myself to be social and to get out and do things on a semi regular basis. I only say this because I realize this has been a downer post and that I am being hard on myself but whoever reads this and may be concerned should know that I have no thoughts of hurting myself or anything like that. That is not in my nature.
I am grateful every day for sunshine, my bed, my darling dogs (they are really are what gets me by every day), and people in my life that are there for me. Thank you to my friends that go out of their way to try and make me feel special. I love you all.
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