Today I am in Las Vegas with my family to celebrate the life of my Uncle Jeff. It has been a very emotional day. A very emotional week actually. Last Thursday my mom got a call that he had had a heart attack and that he was unconscious. The next day things were the same so my mom came down to be with him and his wife Vero. After several days, things hadn't really changed but doctors were optimistic and said that things looked good. They decided that he hadn't had a heart attack but they also couldn't say what had happened. He was in a coma and they did't know when he would wake up. My mom was going to come home because they didn't know if he would wake up tomorrow or if it would be 6 months from now. But when she didn't come home I knew something was wrong. I messaged my mom and found out that he was declared brain dead and they would be taking him off the machines the following day. So here we are today. He didn't have a traditional funeral and instead had a celebration of life where people could share their memories of him. It was really nice.
But all of that isn't quite why I'm writing today. I'm writing today because death makes you look at your life and makes you look at what's important and what you want.
I was hit pretty hard by his death. Partially because I always felt like we were kindred spirits. When I was little I felt like we were very close. I idolized him and whenever he was in town I was his shadow. He would send me fun presents for Christmas and my birthday and I would call and talk to him on the phone. I loved him. But something happened that no one is sure of and he became estranged from our whole family. So I didn't see or hear anything from him for almost 20 years. But despite the time and distance I still always felt very close to him and tried sending him birthday cards and things like that. Then a little less than a year ago, he came back into all our lives. I am so thankful for our family and especially my grandparents that we were all able to reconnect before he died.
The other reason his death had been so hard for me was because it really made me think about my life and things going on in it right now. Like I said in my last post, I am blessed to have a good life with a good job and a caring family but I'm honestly not very happy in my life. I am alone and I miss my partner. Jeff dying broke my heart because he left his young wife Vero a widow. I have felt so alone the last several months so I feel like I can understand to some degree what the future is holding for her. She's going to wake up in the morning and expect for even a second that he will be next to her. She will walk into a room and expect him to be there. She'll go to tell him a thought she has and he won't be there. I am devastated for her.
I don't want to be alone like that. I want to grow old with the love of my life. We all have challenges to overcome but when things like this happen a lot of those challenges seem less important and like less of a challenge. I want to live my life to the fullest and not just trudge through it. I want to see the world, eat amazing food, ride elephants, pet a tiger, laugh every single day, love so strongly that it can never be broken. When I die I want people to say that I really lived my life and I want to be surrounded by lots of family and friends.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Getting Fit!!
My weight loss goal is getting closer and closer!
This week I weighed in at a low and I only have 7 more pounds to go to get to where I want to be. I've had a complete lack of motivation since New Years to clean, or workout, or do anything at all (I think I'm suffering from a little depression right now) but I am counting calories and I'm still making progress on my weight loss. It's very exciting!
Now, I just need to get my butt back in the gym and work on getting toned :) I'm really excited about the progress I am making and the changes I am seeing!
This week I weighed in at a low and I only have 7 more pounds to go to get to where I want to be. I've had a complete lack of motivation since New Years to clean, or workout, or do anything at all (I think I'm suffering from a little depression right now) but I am counting calories and I'm still making progress on my weight loss. It's very exciting!
Now, I just need to get my butt back in the gym and work on getting toned :) I'm really excited about the progress I am making and the changes I am seeing!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
A New Year
Last year was probably the worst year of my life. Emotionally anyway. I am very blessed to have a loving family, supportive friends, a nice house, sweet puppies, and a good job. But this last year was the most challenging one for me mentally.
My husband had been gone for 5 months now and I still don't know what I want to do. A lot has happened between Jon and I but I still don't know if I want to work things out or call it quits. I don't know how to make a decision that big. There are so many factors to consider and the more I think about everything, the less I know what to do. On one hand, we have over a decade worth of history and he is my best friend in the world. We understand each other in ways that nobody else does. We have ridiculous amounts of fun together and he made me very happy. But on the other hand, we now have trust issues, family issues and other problems. How do you decide which is more important? How do you trust yourself to make that decision when your heart and your head are constantly at war with each other? This is my current dilemma. But I've decided to make a decision soon and stick with it. I can't keep living my life in limbo. I feel like I am holding myself back from living since I don't know where I stand in the biggest part of my life.
So that brings me to my resolutions for this year. I hate resolutions as I feel like they are just a way to set yourself up for failure, but I do like the idea of always working toward goals and trying to better ones life. So these are some of my goals for the year:
Figure out what I really want concerning my marriage and make it happen.
Read more often. I have a habit of buying books I hope to read but more often than not I don't end up with time or motivation to read them. I want to work my way through all the books I have lying around.
I want to find time for a hobby. I want something that I do to be just for me. I need something to do that I can be excited about and that gives me some satisfaction from doing.
I want to get out of debt. That will take more than a year to do, especially living alone, but I want to have more financial freedom and more money in savings so I need to get rid of my debts so I can do that.
Mostly, I want to find happiness in every day and live life more fully.
Happy New Year friends! Here's wishing you all the best!
My husband had been gone for 5 months now and I still don't know what I want to do. A lot has happened between Jon and I but I still don't know if I want to work things out or call it quits. I don't know how to make a decision that big. There are so many factors to consider and the more I think about everything, the less I know what to do. On one hand, we have over a decade worth of history and he is my best friend in the world. We understand each other in ways that nobody else does. We have ridiculous amounts of fun together and he made me very happy. But on the other hand, we now have trust issues, family issues and other problems. How do you decide which is more important? How do you trust yourself to make that decision when your heart and your head are constantly at war with each other? This is my current dilemma. But I've decided to make a decision soon and stick with it. I can't keep living my life in limbo. I feel like I am holding myself back from living since I don't know where I stand in the biggest part of my life.
So that brings me to my resolutions for this year. I hate resolutions as I feel like they are just a way to set yourself up for failure, but I do like the idea of always working toward goals and trying to better ones life. So these are some of my goals for the year:
Figure out what I really want concerning my marriage and make it happen.
Read more often. I have a habit of buying books I hope to read but more often than not I don't end up with time or motivation to read them. I want to work my way through all the books I have lying around.
I want to find time for a hobby. I want something that I do to be just for me. I need something to do that I can be excited about and that gives me some satisfaction from doing.
I want to get out of debt. That will take more than a year to do, especially living alone, but I want to have more financial freedom and more money in savings so I need to get rid of my debts so I can do that.
Mostly, I want to find happiness in every day and live life more fully.
Happy New Year friends! Here's wishing you all the best!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Fitness Progress
OMG! I decided a fun workout tonight would be to redo the fit test I did in May (remember that gem??). Well, I didn't have as much improvement overall as I would've hoped....
Here are my scores from May:
Squat Jumps: 22
Push Ups: 22
Burpees: 11
High Knees: 57
Switch Lunges: 11
Tuck Jumps: 26
Straight Abs: 22
And here are my scores for today:
Squat jumps: 18
Push ups: 21
Burpees: 13
High knees: 60
Switch lunges: 28
Tuck jumps: 64
Straight abs: 25
Overall things are better than last time. There is a lot of jumping involved in this workout and that kills me! I've been doing zumba at the gym with Megan lately and there is a lot of jumping in that too. I think I just need to buy a jumprope. Jumping seems to be key....
I've been thinking that I've been doing really well with my weight loss lately as I'm down about 17lbs since August but my BMI is not much better than it was in May so that is disappointing. My current BMI is 25.76 and in May it was 26.33. That's still an improvement though so I'll take it!!! I was hoping to be down around 22 by now though. Oh well. Soon :)
At least when I did the fit test this time, my heart didn't feel like it would explode and I did a few of my own exercises afterwards so that should go to show that I am progressively getting more into shape :)
I am learning that it is much harder to get a rockin' bod than it seems like it should be. I took that for granted most of my life since I was blessed with good genetics and didn't have to worry about any of it until well into my 20s. Payback is a bitch huh?! LOL. Oh well. It feels good to earn it. Even if it is frustrating things don't progress as quickly as I'd always like.
Here are my scores from May:
Squat Jumps: 22
Push Ups: 22
Burpees: 11
High Knees: 57
Switch Lunges: 11
Tuck Jumps: 26
Straight Abs: 22
And here are my scores for today:
Squat jumps: 18
Push ups: 21
Burpees: 13
High knees: 60
Switch lunges: 28
Tuck jumps: 64
Straight abs: 25
Overall things are better than last time. There is a lot of jumping involved in this workout and that kills me! I've been doing zumba at the gym with Megan lately and there is a lot of jumping in that too. I think I just need to buy a jumprope. Jumping seems to be key....
I've been thinking that I've been doing really well with my weight loss lately as I'm down about 17lbs since August but my BMI is not much better than it was in May so that is disappointing. My current BMI is 25.76 and in May it was 26.33. That's still an improvement though so I'll take it!!! I was hoping to be down around 22 by now though. Oh well. Soon :)
At least when I did the fit test this time, my heart didn't feel like it would explode and I did a few of my own exercises afterwards so that should go to show that I am progressively getting more into shape :)
I am learning that it is much harder to get a rockin' bod than it seems like it should be. I took that for granted most of my life since I was blessed with good genetics and didn't have to worry about any of it until well into my 20s. Payback is a bitch huh?! LOL. Oh well. It feels good to earn it. Even if it is frustrating things don't progress as quickly as I'd always like.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
My Wants/Needs/Deserves List
I don't know why but about half an hour ago I decided I should make a list of what traits I want/need in a future partner. I think I had this thought because I've been trying to figure out where I go from here and because I've been trying to decide if I need to look to the past for those answers or if I need to let the past go and focus on the future. I have been between a rock and a hard place and I haven't known how to know what I want or where I should go. I don't know if this list will help any but maybe it will help give me some insight. So here are some things I currently feel like I want/need/deserve in a future partner:
- Honesty. I deserve, and need, and want to be with someone that is always honest with me and with themselves.
- Trust. I want and need to be with someone that I can trust full heartedly. I deserve to be able to trust someone I love and never have reason to question them.
- I want to be with someone that can make me laugh every single day of my life. And I don't mean just a little chuckle. I want someone that can truly make me laugh until my stomach hurts and I cry because I'm laughing so hard.
- I deserve to be with someone that really appreciates me. I want to say be with someone that worships me but I really don't want to be worshiped. I want to be equals but I also want to be treated and to really feel special to someone.
- I want to be with someone that shares common interests but is also their own person and lets me be my own person as well.
- I want a partner. I want someone that I can work side by side with. Someone that will help me with things I'm not good at or don't like to do. Someone that will help with things like housework without having to be asked or told and does them because they are my partner and they want to take care of me just like I want to take care of them.
- I want someone that engages and enjoys my family. I want someone that is fine to spend time with my family and will go on vacations, parties, holidays, etc. and is happy to be there.
Jon was a lot of those things for a long time but he wasn't all of them all the time. I don't think that is an unrealistic list of wants but I don't know. We'll see how life works out for me in the future.w
Friday, October 19, 2012
Flying
I am posting this from 34,222 feet in a plane. I think that is pretty cool. I'm headed to Nashville to see my dear friend Lauren get married tomorrow. I'm excited for a weekend away and to see her.
Anyway, I just think it's cool I can play online while flying now :)
Anyway, I just think it's cool I can play online while flying now :)
Monday, October 15, 2012
Life...
A lot has happened since I last posted. I am still in pretty much the same situation but some things have changed.
Jon is still gone. For a brief couple days I was under the impression that he was going to come back but I let hope get the best of me. I learned shortly after that that he has a girlfriend now. That hurt a lot. I expected it would happen but nothing in the universe can ever prepare you to hear about your husband having a girlfriend. Especially when you are still married and you are still hanging on to hope that things will work out. That hurt so bad to hear. I had hoped that Jon would remain faithful for at least as long as we are still married but I do understand that he probably needed companionship. I understand that and if I were a different person I would probably do the same thing because I am incredibly lonely and I miss having someone there all the time. I miss cuddling and kissing and holding hands and having someone to talk to late at night. I felt safe with Jon and not just in the sense that he could protect me from danger. I felt safe in the sense that I was 100% myself with him and I believed he was 100% himself with me. That is such an amazing feeling to be so honest with someone and having them love and accept you for who you are no matter what. Jon really got me. He understood me in a way nobody else has ever been able to. And I miss that so much.
But things are different now. Now I know that we don't have a future together and I am working on adjusting to that reality and creating a new life for myself.
I've never lived alone before so I am getting used to that and am just getting used to being totally independent and learning how to be alone. In a lot of ways it's easy but in a lot of other ways it's hard to be so alone. I guess just because it is lonely.
I am very blessed to have the friends and family that I do and I know for a fact I wouldn't be doing as well as I am if it weren't for them. They pull me out of the darkness when I get in over my head and bring me back to reality.
I decided to redecorate my bedroom. I think that will help me in quite a therapeutic sense. Jon and I spent most of our time together in our bedroom, sleeping, watching movies, playing games, etc. We spent more time there than anywhere else and it's the hardest place to be now. So I decided to redecorate it and I think when that is done it'll help me be happier and help me feel like I'm making progress with moving on. It helps me to have a project too so that's good. I'm going to put it together next week after I get back from Tennessee (I'm going to a very dear friends wedding this weekend. I can't wait!). I'm excited and hope things turn out as well as I am thinking they will :)
Jon is still gone. For a brief couple days I was under the impression that he was going to come back but I let hope get the best of me. I learned shortly after that that he has a girlfriend now. That hurt a lot. I expected it would happen but nothing in the universe can ever prepare you to hear about your husband having a girlfriend. Especially when you are still married and you are still hanging on to hope that things will work out. That hurt so bad to hear. I had hoped that Jon would remain faithful for at least as long as we are still married but I do understand that he probably needed companionship. I understand that and if I were a different person I would probably do the same thing because I am incredibly lonely and I miss having someone there all the time. I miss cuddling and kissing and holding hands and having someone to talk to late at night. I felt safe with Jon and not just in the sense that he could protect me from danger. I felt safe in the sense that I was 100% myself with him and I believed he was 100% himself with me. That is such an amazing feeling to be so honest with someone and having them love and accept you for who you are no matter what. Jon really got me. He understood me in a way nobody else has ever been able to. And I miss that so much.
But things are different now. Now I know that we don't have a future together and I am working on adjusting to that reality and creating a new life for myself.
I've never lived alone before so I am getting used to that and am just getting used to being totally independent and learning how to be alone. In a lot of ways it's easy but in a lot of other ways it's hard to be so alone. I guess just because it is lonely.
I am very blessed to have the friends and family that I do and I know for a fact I wouldn't be doing as well as I am if it weren't for them. They pull me out of the darkness when I get in over my head and bring me back to reality.
I decided to redecorate my bedroom. I think that will help me in quite a therapeutic sense. Jon and I spent most of our time together in our bedroom, sleeping, watching movies, playing games, etc. We spent more time there than anywhere else and it's the hardest place to be now. So I decided to redecorate it and I think when that is done it'll help me be happier and help me feel like I'm making progress with moving on. It helps me to have a project too so that's good. I'm going to put it together next week after I get back from Tennessee (I'm going to a very dear friends wedding this weekend. I can't wait!). I'm excited and hope things turn out as well as I am thinking they will :)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Slowly Picking Up the Pieces
Jon has been gone for over a month now. It has been very rough and I am still very sad but this last week I think I've turned a corner. I think it's really sunk in that he isn't coming back and I feel like I have come to terms with that. I don't know that coming to terms with it makes it any easier but I feel like I am now able to accept what is happening to me and my life. I am working hard at keeping busy and have been spending a lot of time with old friends and that has helped a lot. I am more comfortable talking about everything and I don't cry every single day anymore. I still am sad and get very sad if I sit and dwell on things but keeping busy keeps me going and so that's what I'm doing. There is hope on the horizon that things will be OK. That I will be OK.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
My Life In Shambles
So, I guess it's time to share what's going on in my life. It's not healthy to keep pretending that life is happy and normal and that everything is good.
I got married 367 days ago. Jon moved out 15 days ago and asked me for a divorce 7 days ago.
We weren't fighting, nothing was wrong, there's not another woman, there wasn't a big reason. Jon just is not happy and since he's not happy he felt he needs to leave.
My heart is broken but there isn't anything I can do. I want more than anything for Jon to be happy and I sincerely hope he finds whatever it is he is looking for and needs. I am incredibly sad that he wasn't happy with me and our life together but if Jon can't be happy with himself, he won't ever be happy with me or with anything/anyone else. I would do anything to help him and have tried but that only seemed to make things worse.
Jon is my best friend in the world and I love him with all my heart. I want nothing but the best for him.
This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and it kills me to have no control over anything that is going on but hopefully everything will work out for both of us and we will be happy.
I never thought that I would be in this situation and that I would be getting divorced. I am sad that we only lasted a year but I am also very thankful for the time we did have together.
I am scared for what the future will bring. I don't believe I will ever want to get married again. I feel damaged and feel like if I couldn't make a marriage work with my best friend and someone that I've known for half my life then it won't ever work with anyone else. I realize that I may feel that way because this is so fresh but I had what I believed was the perfect life. I had the perfect husband, the perfect house, the perfect life, the perfect wedding, the perfect ring. I was happy. I don't ever want to be in this position again or feel this way again. I know it'll get better and that I'll feel better eventually but I don't believe I will love anyone the way I have loved Jon again. I was so sure for so many years and we've been through so much together that I thought we were forever. We even had a saying that we loved each other forever and ever and always. It's devastating that forever only turned out to be a year married together but Jon needs to find happiness. I hope with all my heart that he does.
I got married 367 days ago. Jon moved out 15 days ago and asked me for a divorce 7 days ago.
We weren't fighting, nothing was wrong, there's not another woman, there wasn't a big reason. Jon just is not happy and since he's not happy he felt he needs to leave.
My heart is broken but there isn't anything I can do. I want more than anything for Jon to be happy and I sincerely hope he finds whatever it is he is looking for and needs. I am incredibly sad that he wasn't happy with me and our life together but if Jon can't be happy with himself, he won't ever be happy with me or with anything/anyone else. I would do anything to help him and have tried but that only seemed to make things worse.
Jon is my best friend in the world and I love him with all my heart. I want nothing but the best for him.
This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and it kills me to have no control over anything that is going on but hopefully everything will work out for both of us and we will be happy.
I never thought that I would be in this situation and that I would be getting divorced. I am sad that we only lasted a year but I am also very thankful for the time we did have together.
I am scared for what the future will bring. I don't believe I will ever want to get married again. I feel damaged and feel like if I couldn't make a marriage work with my best friend and someone that I've known for half my life then it won't ever work with anyone else. I realize that I may feel that way because this is so fresh but I had what I believed was the perfect life. I had the perfect husband, the perfect house, the perfect life, the perfect wedding, the perfect ring. I was happy. I don't ever want to be in this position again or feel this way again. I know it'll get better and that I'll feel better eventually but I don't believe I will love anyone the way I have loved Jon again. I was so sure for so many years and we've been through so much together that I thought we were forever. We even had a saying that we loved each other forever and ever and always. It's devastating that forever only turned out to be a year married together but Jon needs to find happiness. I hope with all my heart that he does.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
The Gym
I know it sounds dumb but I think the gym is changing my life. Not just physically but mentally too.
Not many people know what's going on with me right now, but I am going through a rough patch and don't have much positive going on. It would be very easy for me to sit around and feel sorry for myself, and sometimes I do find myself doing just that. But going to the gym is really helping me out. I'm so glad I got in the habit of going back in June.
When I got home from work today I was feeling pretty down and didn't want to do anything. I started a movie and just laid in bed and thought that was going to be it for the night. But I was bored within an hour and after reading health blogs I found from Pinterest, I knew I needed to hit the gym. So I did. And while I still don't feel amazing I am glad I got out of the house and went and I do feel better than before I went so that's good too.
I had to buy myself some new workout clothes today too because I got a hole in the crotch of my old ones so that was a bummer to spend money but what girl doesn't like to shop so it was also good too.
Not many people know what's going on with me right now, but I am going through a rough patch and don't have much positive going on. It would be very easy for me to sit around and feel sorry for myself, and sometimes I do find myself doing just that. But going to the gym is really helping me out. I'm so glad I got in the habit of going back in June.
When I got home from work today I was feeling pretty down and didn't want to do anything. I started a movie and just laid in bed and thought that was going to be it for the night. But I was bored within an hour and after reading health blogs I found from Pinterest, I knew I needed to hit the gym. So I did. And while I still don't feel amazing I am glad I got out of the house and went and I do feel better than before I went so that's good too.
I had to buy myself some new workout clothes today too because I got a hole in the crotch of my old ones so that was a bummer to spend money but what girl doesn't like to shop so it was also good too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)